Sabbath

Sabbath, August 27, 2005 Newark Seventh-Day Adventist Church
Pastor Tom Hughes

“BEATITUDES FOR THE HOME”

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other, except that the old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had been angry with him only two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

Why is it that the women are always laughing when I tell that story? The guys are all sitting there, “What’s so funny?”

You know when you get married you have a lot of high hopes and expectations. And I just want to make this clear to all of you, this sermon was planned for months. And I always have to say that because you know it never seems to amaze me: I’ll plan a sermon three months in advance and then I’ll preach the sermon and somebody will say, “Did you preach that just for me? Did you know that my wife and I were having difficulties?” Or, “Did you know that my husband had this problem?” And I always say, “Why, absolutely! J Just for you. You know I did – not!”

I’m afraid the truths of the Bible are universal and they apply to every marriage. Every marriage has strengths and weaknesses and in this day in age I just want to say:

I reject this culture,

I reject their take on marriage,

I reject their attitude toward marriage,

I reject their fornication;

their homosexuality;

their “Heather has two mommies;”

their “Whichever one you is, do you take whichever one this is to be whatever you’re gonna be” attitude! It is worldly, it is satanic, it is wrong. They have tried to take a sacred institution, called “marriage” and trash it – and I reject that. I reject that. God made marriage between a man and a woman in the garden of Eden. God made it holy, God made it sacred. Man cannot make a marriage, a day, or a man or a woman holy. Only God can make the Sabbath day holy. Only God can make a marriage holy. Only God can make a man or a woman holy. There is no righteousness apart from God.

And so marriage, it says, in the Bible in Genesis 2:18, is a good thing.

“And the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.’” Gen. 2:18

Now feminists in the 70s had a whole tirade of reasons why they rejected all the verses in the Bible about marriage. One of the things that really disquiets me whenever we talk about this subject, they don’t look at marriage as a sacred institution. They think it’s patriarchal, that the Bible’s outdated when they hear things like Mark 10:6-7 –
“But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female.
7For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife.”

Gloria Steinhem said that marriage was bondage and akin to rape, and said no woman should ever get married until she was 68. And then suddenly in the loneliness of her old age, she realized what she had given and married, and admitted she had been wrong in her attitude. Well, honey, welcome to the table but you’re a little late! Forty years of your life have been blown and when you could have had the happiness and joy that you’re only going to be able to have for a few years.

Feminism had slogans like “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” But the Bible says in Proverbs 18:22 – “He who findeth a wife findeth a
good thing, And obtains favor of the LORD.”

The Bible says that we are to leave our parents and to cleave unto our spouses, and that we are to do this because God wants us to do it. God is the one who instituted marriage. God made from the man, a woman to be his companion and help meet for him, to be one with him, to cheer, encourage, and bless him. He in turn to be her strong helper – to cheer, encourage, and bless her.

Some would think “We do not love each other as we supposed. (That is a suggestion of Satan.) Expel it from the mind. Do not linger over it. Let each, forgetful of self, refuse to entertain the ideas that Satan would be glad(ly) to have you cherish.” EGW

Today we live in a culture that says, “After you drink the milk, throw away the carton.” “If the marriage doesn’t work out, throw away the marriage.”

People get divorced for any and every reason under the sun. One in two worldly marriages collapse in failure. People who read the Bible and pray every day only 2 in 10, only 1 in 5 fail. You drastically increase your chances of being a happily married person simply by reading the Bible and having prayer with your spouse.

The devil puts in your head things like, “Oh forget it. Give it up. This marriage isn’t worth working on.” There are often difficulties in marriage but there is a stage in marriage beyond the passionate stage of the early romance, beyond even the busy stage of raising children and putting your family together. There’s a stage called “mature love” where spouse who have wounded each other, hurt each other, sometimes been unfaithful to each other, but somehow find Christ and allow Jesus to heal their hearts and their marriages and they end up in that latter stage called mature love that is the most satisfying and wonderful place to be and so few people ever get there. You know why? Because they give up, they quit, they throw their marriage away, they refuse to work on their marriage.

“Life is a precious gift of God and is not to be wasted in selfish regrets or more open indifference and dislike…”

When you show indifference and dislike of your spouse, you are wasting your life.

Now all these things I’ve been sharing are from the Spirit of Prophecy; In Heavenly Places. I love Ellen White. She’s an awesome lady. She’s written so many wonderful books. If you don’t read her you’re really missing out, and she is fantastic.

“Let the husband and wife talk things all over together…”

When you talk with your partner, let’s give away all the defense mechanisms and the manipulative tactics that we’re all so fond of. You know your greatest strength is often your greatest weakness. A person who is strong and forceful will become domineering and manipulative. A person who is compassionate and kind can use that to try to manipulate the other person by becoming martyr. “Poor me! Poor me! Oh, you have to do what I want because I’m such a nice person and I’ve done everything you want and I’m hanging on this cross and I’m bleeding and suffering! Oh, you have to do what I want.”—The martyr.

Did you ever run into a martyr type? Someone who uses guilt and emotion to manipulate you? I always say, “Honey, get down off the cross. Somebody needs the wood. Okay?” Come on! Let’s pack the bags, kids, we’re goin’ on a guilt trip! Yay!

“I do so much for you, couldn’t you do this one little teeny-weeny thing for me?” Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt…

Or “I’m the man; I’m the head of the home, and you’ll do what I say!” Well your wife’s the neck, pal, and anywhere she turns you’re gonna go!

That’s the way God wants it.

God didn’t make us to rule over each other with an iron fist. In Ephesians 5:21 there’s an often unquoted verse that goes very with Ephesians 5:22, which is probably the most beloved text that is quoted often by husbands. It’s the one that husbands love and notice the man who set this Bible up made sure to put a break between verse 21 and 22. I’ll show you why.

In (Ephesians 5:) 22 it says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Now notice it says “Wives, submit to your own husbands.” You don’t have to submit to anybody else.

23 “For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body.”
Now I’ve had husbands say to their wives in my presence, “The Bible says I’m the head of this home and you’re gonna do what I say.” That’s not what the Bible says.

The Bible says that husbands are the head of the home and they are to sacrifice their love, their hearts, their souls for their wife, and love their wife like Christ loved the church.

Now how did Christ love us? He was totally unselfish. He was willing to lay his very life down. He died for us. And He loved us so much He would have done anything to see our happiness and salvation come to fruition.

Now you show me a husband who loves his wife like that who’s self-sacrificing and willing to do anything for her salvation and her benefit, and I’ll show you a happy wife who will do what her husband tells her to do. But you show me a domineering, dictatorial jerk, and she’s gonna tell him, “Sorry, honey, I’m not gonna obey you.” As well she should.

Whether you’re a martyr, a guilt-tripper, or a domineering, manipulative person—those are all characteristics of the devil, not God. And if we’re trying to lead our families, men, by being dictators and being jerks – by just always wanting our own way and trying to command our families to obey us – we are not following what the Bible says, because back it up to verse 21: “submitting to…” who? “one another in the fear of God.” It doesn’t just say, “Wives, submit to your husbands…” does it. It says, “submitting to one another.”

Sometimes, men, we have to submit to our wives. Whoever is on higher ground, the other needs to come up. Amen? Let’s not drag each other down to the lowest level, let’s come up to the highest level. And oftentimes our wives are very spiritual. You know I’m often wrong but never in doubt about it. That’s one of my faults that you who have worked with me on church boards and other items of interest already know! My wife knows it very well. I am always absolutely sure that my version of the story is correct. I hate to admit this but probably 80 percent of the time I’ve been wrong about it! Men, how do they do that? They’re like elephants. They can remember every detail and I can’t remember anything half the time! But I think I can.

When we talk to our husbands or our wives, according to the Spirit of Prophecy, it says to talk things over. Submit to one another. “Renew the early attentions to each other…”

You used to bring her flowers. Whad’ya you quit for?

You used to take her out to dinner. Whad’ya you quit for?

You used to take her out on an expensive date – like down to the McDonald’s for a hot fudge sundae. Whad’ya you quit for?

“Renew the early attentions…”

Say nice things. Do nice things. Be kind; considerate. You used to open the door but you don’t now. What’s the deal? Now if there’s an emergency and your house is burning down you gotta get the car out of the garage, okay fine, don’t open the door. But I mean if you’ve got the time, do it.

“…acknowledge your faults,” she says, “to each other…” Whoa! There’s a “biggie.” You know, a perfectionistic family, a perfectionistic marriage, everybody has to be perfect because if you do anything wrong you’re gonna get hammered, so you learn pretty early don’t make any mistakes ‘cause somebody’s gonna hammer ya. And that teaches you to be a phoney. Did you hear what I said? In our families, are we allowed to fail and still be loved? Can we make mistakes and still be loved? Can we be imperfect in the church and still be loved?

Can we make a mistake as a Seventh-Day Adventist and still acknowledge that we’re just human beings, that we all make mistakes, that nobody’s perfect but Jesus, and that we’re all working on it and we want to be as perfect as we can be but in the meantime, we are human and it’s okay for us to admit that we’ve got problems, that we’ve got struggles.

I mean do we really want to be a bunch of phonies, who, every time we see each other we just go, “Oh, hi! Everything’s great! Everything’s wonderful! How you doin’?” “Oh, wonderful! My husband beat me up last night and he hit me where the bruises don’t show but yeah, everything’s great!” Is that the kind of church we want to have?

She says that husbands and wives need to confess their faults to one another. (“…acknowledge your faults to each other…”)

Now whenever I do marriage counseling, you know it’s a very weird thing. But I have people come to me for marriage counseling and the first hour of the counseling he tells me all her faults and she tells me all his faults and they never say one word about their own faults. And I mean it’s almost every time. And the whole key to having a happy marriage and getting better is for him to talk about his faults and how he’s going to change himself, and her to talk about hers, but they never do that.

Listen to what Ellen White says: “Renew the early attentions to each other, acknowledge your faults to each other, but in this work be very careful that the husband does not take it upon himself to confess his wife’s faults or the wife her husband’s. Be determined that you will be all that it is possible for you to be to each other, and the bonds of wedlock will be the most desirable of ties.

Your home may be a symbol of heaven.”—Ellen G. White, In Heavenly Places, p. 203.

Do you want your home to be a symbol of heaven? The greatest witness for Christ and for Christianity are those who are loving, kinds, submissive, and good to each other. Instead of being manipulative, instead of worrying about how you can straighten your partner out, how about if you just worry about how you can straighten yourself out?

Side Two…

…They said if you had a fire, what would be the one thing you would take out of the house? And that was easy. I thought, Debbie. I really don’t care about anything else but her. I don’t care about the house, the Harley, or any of the possessions I have. I just care about one thing – getting her out.

Next to Jesus, she’s the most precious person in my life. Blessed are those who love and respect their mate more than any other person in the world and who joyfully fulfill their marriage vows in a lifetime of fidelity and mutual support of one another.

I’ll tell ya, for a man who was abused sexually, physically, who was abused by his parents verbally, physically, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been busted open, I’ve had to get eighty (80) stitches in my leg from a wound inflicted by my parent. I’ve been molested or was attempted to be molested probably a half a dozen times in my young childhood. I just went through hell and back but somehow God put the Holy Spirit in my heart and I scratched and clawed through all that and fought for a lifetime to try to become a man that God could use. And I am of all men most unworthy but I have been greatly blessed. He gave me a wife and in Proverbs it says, “A man who findeth a wife it is a good thing.” I agree with Proverbs 18:22.
Our spouses need to be the most important person in the world to us next to God.

Blessed are the husband and wife who are as polite and courteous to one another as they are to their friends, neighbors, and associates.

Just as you want men to do unto you, you should do likewise unto them. Are we as courteous, kind, and gentle with our spouses as we are with our friends and others or are we rude, crude, and argumentative? We need to recognize that the way we talk to our wives or husbands is the way we talk to Christ if He were standing in our presence.

Blessed are those who have a sense of humor for laughter refreshes the soul.

A merry heart makes a cheerful countenance and it is easy to understand how people who have had rough childhoods, who’ve been molested or tortured, or tormented could have a hard time smiling or being joyful, and how Seventh-Day Adventists who are so serious about their faith and the coming of the Lord could be so intense – serious as a heart-attack – but does not God say the joy of the Lord is our strength and a merry heart doeth good like a medicine?

So the closer we get to Christ the more happy and loving and kind and gentle we ought to be. Smile to your husband. Smile at your wife. Don’t be so serious all the time! Make a joke every once in awhile, Mr. Deadpan Seventh-Day Adventist man or woman! Come on! I know we’re going to heaven, and that’s serious work, particularly if you’re trying to be the most perfect Adventist in history.

However, when you get to heaven isn’t it going to be a place of joy? Isn’t it going to be a place where you smile and where you’re happy to see each other? Well, let’s get used to it right now. Let’s start doin’ that right now. If all you’re doin’ is correcting your husband or wife…Oh I forgot to read the rest of that quote! Whew! I gotta get that in real quick.

Listen to this: “…acknowledge your faults to each other, but in this work be very careful that the husband does not take it upon himself to confess his wife’s faults or the wife her husband’s.”

She says in another place, “We should be the graveyard of our spouse’s faults.”

We’ve messed up haven’t we! We need forgiveness, don’t we. Amen!

When your husband or wife talks to you, mirror back to them what they say. If you can talk things over, you can save your marriage. When they talk to you, don’t just go on and say what you want to say. Mirror back to them what they say. “Honey, I’m really upset because we’re not spending enough time together.” Mirror it back. “Honey, is what you’re saying you’re unhappy because we’re not spending any time together. Is that what you’re saying?” Mirror what they say.

Then, validate it. Mirror, validate, and emphasize. Mirror back what they say, validate what they’re saying. “Well, I can see why you say that. We really have been busy lately. You have a valid point of view. I agree that your point of view is valid.” And then empathize. “I can feel how you are hurting right now and I want to hear you.” In other words, try to put yourself in your shoes. I like to say, “Walk a mile in their moccasins. That way you’ll understand them and you’ll get a free pair of shoes out of it.” Okay?

Blessed are the husband and wife who continue to fan the flames of passion being affectionate, considerate, and loving of one another.

Blessed are they who thank God for His abundant blessings and daily provisions and who set apart time each day for the reading of Holy Scripture and for prayer.

Blessed are the husband and wife who enjoy parenthood, for children are the heritage of the Lord. Blessed are those mates who never speak loudly or angrily to one another and who make their home a place of comfort, acceptance, love, and security.

Now if you have been violating that just remember these are ideals and all of us are human – we make mistakes – but we need to try to rise to these high standards.

Blessed are the husband and wife who pray for one another every day, who say “I love you” often and “I’m sorry” whenever necessary.

Blessed are the husband and wife who never go to bed angry without resolving their conflict.

Blessed are the husband and wife who committed to Jesus Christ as their Savior and Lord to raise their children to do as well, who faithfully attend worship services and work together for the advancement of the kingdom of God.

Blessed are the husband and wife who learn to work out their problems through negotiation and compromise without interference from relatives.

Mom and dad, don’t get in the middle of a marriage fight. Just support them both and don’t take sides. It’s hard. Blood is thicker than water. I like to say, “Blood is more thick-headed than water.”

And couples, don’t share your problems with your parents or your relatives. Talk to a preacher or a marriage counselor. You know, you tell mom that your wife said this, this, and this, and then she comes back to you the next day and says, “Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean any of it. Please forgive me.” And you forgive her, and you forget and move right on, but guess what, mama will never forget. And it will cause problems in your family. You need to put a sacred circle around that marriage and only your husband and wife should be allowed in that circle. And go see your preacher, go see your marriage counselor or whatever.

Blessed is the couple who have complete understanding about financial matters and you have a workable, scriptural partnership in money matters.

Blessed are the husband and wife who humbly dedicate their lives and their home to God. Who practice the teachings of Jesus through unselfish service, uncompromising loyalty, and unconditional love to one another.

Blessed are the mates who covenant together to lavish one another with physical and emotional intimacy. Keep the marriage bed undefiled and never withhold themselves from their partner.

Blessed are the husband and wife who realize that they are fallible human beings and resolve to find the blessing in every situation and they are always ready to be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another even as God through Christ forgave you.

Blessed are the husband and wife who by the grace of God enthusiastically practice love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control each and every day.

Men, love your wives and sacrifice yourself for them as Christ loved the church. Wives, love and respect your husbands because they stand accountable to you. And if they abuse you or are harsh to you, just pray. The Bible says God will not bless a man’s prayers if he’s unkind to his wife. Did you know that? The Bible says that if a man does not treat his wife properly that God will hinder his prayers. So ladies, the best way to have the last word is simply pray.

And when he says, “Man! Nothing’s going right! My business, my house – everything’s gone wrong! What’s wrong?”

“Well, maybe if you treated me right, maybe God would bless ya!”

We are very fortunate to have the spouses we have and I try to always remember that the problem in my marriage is looking back at me in the mirror every morning – not the other way around. I can’t change Debbie but I can change Tom with the help of God. If you want to straighten out your marriage, straighten out yourself. Say, “Lord, is it I? Am I the one?” And even if you’re not if you just have a prayerful, humble attitude God will use you to help your marriage partner.

Now sometimes you just can’t help it and the person just does things that are evil. And I’m not saying every marriage can be saved or helped. But I am saying that any solution is going to start with us. We can’t change anybody else, we have to change ourselves.

Let’s bow our heads for prayer.

Our Father in heaven we thank You so much for this day. We thank You for these wives that have dedicated themselves to their husbands and their families. Thank you for the husbands who have made themselves a strong help meet for the wife.

Please forgive us for our sins. Please forgive us for not being the husband or the wife that we could be if we’d only let You transform us today.
Forgive us for our sins. Forgive us for the mistakes we’ve made as husbands and wives. And heal our families, heal our marriages, Lord. Help us to be the man and woman You want us to be – the loving partner, the loving spouse that will be able to help support those that need us.

Change us, Lord, and save our marriages, save our children and our families. Forgive us for our sins and help us to forget those mistakes and things that are past and not waste our time in regret but to look forward to the high mark of our calling in Jesus Christ; when Christ will soon come and save us.

We ask that You would bless now our marriages and our hearts. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

All Scriptural References: New King James Version

Ellen G. White References: www.whiteestate.org

Transcription: Wendy J. Riebel

This sermon is also available on cassette tape.

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